....a long road......

I have debated quite a bit before posting this...........I have wanted to post about it for a long while, but I have not been able to write about it until now........

Well, hello strangers!

Tonight, it is Jason and I realize it has been forever since I have written! I wanted to catch everyone up to speed so to say.

First, there have been many things going on in our lives since we last wrote. We met a wonderful young lady who had chosen us as adoptive dads. This situation, which obviously was the first solid connection we had made, ended in tragedy after a miscarriage. This hurt all involved and was a setback emotionally, but made us press on for the ultimate goal. This was painful as we had made a real connection with her and she said that we were the ones she wanted to raise “our child”. We were so ecstatic and then heartbroken that we did not think we could move on.

But we did….

This brings us to a bit over a month ago. Around July 10^th, we were placed into contact with an expectant mother. She was due the week of July 16^th – yes, less than a week!. Well, we chatted with the family (well, really it was Anthony as I was in clinicals most days and working nearly every evening). On Saturday, July 14^th, she contacted us and was in labor.

Away to Virginia Beach we went (we being Anthony, Debbie (his mom), Rosa (his sister) and myself). After meeting with her around midnight and realizing the little one was not arriving soon, we headed to a hotel. After the long fiasco of locating a hotel, we rested for a bit until we heard she was progressing and then headed back to the hospital that morning. The little one was not waiting for a traditional delivery and so the doctor told he birthmother he wanted to do a C-Section. Emotions ran high, but then the birthmother headed to the Delivery Room (along with her mother).

 

 

At 12:18 on July 15^th, Alyssa Marie was born (this was the name Anthony and I had chosen). She was perfect, weighing in at 6 lb. 12 oz. and a healthy 19.7 inches in length. She was beautiful and I was given the blessed opportunity (by Anthony) to be in the nursery for the first few hours of her life. I fed her the first bottle she received. I was also the first person to hold her. I aided in her first bath and felt the greatest feelings when she grasped my finger for the first time. There were so many firsts in the nursery that I know words will never describe. I can honestly say that these moments were the best in my life thus far. I would not trade them for anything and I know I never will.

Anthony, his mother, sister and I were lucky enough to spend the afternoon and evening with her in the family room at the hospital. Anthony and I spent the first night with Alyssa alone there as well. It was amazing to watch Anthony change her diaper for the first time and feed her his very first time ever- he fell right into the role without thinking. The next morning, Alyssa’s mother wanted to spend some time with her and feed her. We took a break and went to breakfast. We then returned to our room and the nurse brought Alyssa back.

After lunch, Anthony learned that the mother and father had decided to parent Alyssa. I was beyond heartbroken. The nurse side of me knew it was the situation that was meant to be and it was beyond my control. The human and vulnerable side of me was heartbroken. I honestly can say that the next few days are a blur of sleep and sadness.

I know a few things for sure about the week this occurred. First, this young soul was brought into our lives for a reason- be it to solidify our drive to become dads or be it to just allow this little girl (who the parents have renamed) to be appreciated by her parents and know the amount of love I now pray she is receiving. Second, this was the most influential and amazing experience of my life so far. I KNOW that I will experience it once again with our child, but this was a special time.

Finally, this situation has solidified the relationship between Anthony and I. It has solidified our desire to become dads. It has shown us we can work through pain and heartache toward a goal that we KNOW we will reach. Most of all, it has shown me once again that Anthony is the strongest person I know. When I was literally breaking down from this loss, he took me and lifted me up. He made me realize why I was feeling this – because we are meant to be dads. Our family and our friends are what helped us through.

So, although it has taken over a month, we are moving on. I have been quite down at times and I know that had it not been for our family and friends, I would not have made it to this point. I was ready to give up on the journey, but after much thought, discussion and prayer, I know that this is the right path.

Here we are now, August 26, 2012. We are struggling to move on as some days are harder than others. Then there are the days where we can move forward and realize that these situations make us stronger and that we will overcome them. It also makes me realize how important family is. Not just in a journey, but in general life. We have obviously leaned on the support of our families through this. We have also realized that the support of family will be needed once there is a child in the home.
 

I can never provide an adequate THANK YOU to my love and partner in life, Anthony, who has literally carried me through the emotional hell. I love you and thank you from the very depths of my soul.
 

Finally, I want to say a personal thank you to each of you who have supported us. Through phone calls, email, IN PERSON, on Facebook and just through prayers. These have ALL made a difference and we thank you for it.

Goodnight,
Jason