I know I was planning on placing my baby for adoption with you.....but don't contact me anymore.

I know I was planning on placing my baby for adoption with you.....but don't contact me anymore.

That's pretty much what we were told today. And not by the birthmother, but by our adoption agency, because she couldn't have the decency to tell us herself.

I can understand not being able to talk to us, but one would think this would be possible through a text.....especially given that we've been in constant communication the past 2 months, and the fact that we were about to adopt her baby in 5 weeks.

So, my friends, that's it. No answers. No reasons. Nothing. Just a simple don't contact me anymore.

Welcome to the wonderful world of adoption.

Anthony~

Whoever said becoming a dad would be easy?

Whoever said becoming a dad would be easy?

I guess I went into this adoption process thinking it would be like a fairy tale, beginning with "once upon a time" and ending with "they lived happily ever after".  Remember how easy the fairy tales made it seem?



Fourteen months after being approved to adopt, Jason and I are still in limbo with nothing to show for all the effort, heartache, and disappointment we've been through. "Happily ever after" is hardly how our adventure has been going.

Let's recap....I haven't written a blog post since we were approved to adopt back in January 2012. I'm not exactly sure why, but life gets the best of you especially when you are putting all of your energy into meeting your baby.

2012 was a tough year in our pursuit of a family. We started the year off on the right foot, getting approved to adopt in January. Everything was moving along, and we had several contacts with various birthmothers (email/phone) that Spring. Although the contacts never materialized into anything, it was still nice to know that someone was interested in us as parents. During this time there were scams....people looking to take money from us; people looking for a "high price" for their unborn baby (as horrible as that sounds); people looking just to talk to us with no intention of ever placing their baby for adoption; the examples go on. So, we were always on guard to watch out.

In May 2012, we made contact with a birthmother who wanted to place with us. We had many phone conversations, emails, and even met in person. Everything was so right....until it wasn't. She ended up having a miscarriage at 18 weeks, which is a horrible thing to go through. I can now say I understand what it feels like to lose a child to a miscarriage, and it is no picnic. Despite this setback, we have still remained in contact with the birthmother on occasion just to check in on each other to see how we are all doing.

Over the next few months, we continued with new birthmother contacts through email & phone, but again nothing materialized into anything too serious.

In July 2012, we received another contact from a birthmother who wanted to place her baby with us. The kicker on this situation was that she was due in 1 week, so we had to act fast. Fast forward through a few days, and we received a call that she was in labor. Jason and I went to the hospital, and a little girl was born and we were there for her first 24 hours of life. Everything was so right....until it wasn't. The birthfamily ended up changing their minds, and in the state of Virginia they have until about 2 weeks after birth to change their minds. Jason and I are powerless to stop it, so we were just left hanging out on the line. To read more about this, check out Jason's August 2012 post in the archives of this blog. Here's a picture of us with her at the hospital:



Shortly thereafter, we had another phone contact. This time from a birthmother in Phoenix who was due in December. As hard as it was to talk to someone after going through our summer setback, we had no other choice but to pick up our heels, lick our wounds, and keep moving forward. Naturally, this situation didn't pan out either as the birthmother just stopped calling/emailing us. No explanation. No reason. Nothing.

Mind you....this happens a lot during the open adoption process. Lots of contacts and conversations, and then NOTHING. Think of what an emotional roller coaster that must feel like.

In October 2012 we received another contact from a couple living in Florida. We had about a month's worth of emails and phone calls, and this one looked as if it was heading in the right direction. Well....can you guess what happened next? Nothing. They stopped all contact with us and to this day we don't know why.

After this last contact, I kind of went on the "I don't care about this anymore" train and stopped working on adoption as much as I used to. Jason was working on finishing his Master's degree, and we had both had enough. Although we had additional emails/phone calls, my heart was just not into it anymore and I needed a break.

On December 31, 2012, we received a phone call from our lawyer stating that a potential birthmother had contacted her looking to place her baby for adoption. Our lawyer had given our profile website to her, and she had decided that she was interested in talking to us. A few weeks went by and we made contact on the phone. After several days of phone calls and talking about our life stories, we decided to meet in person. We met in mid Janaury 2013, and then continued texting/talking as the weeks went on. In early February 2013, we were invited to go to her OBGYN appointment, which is where we saw the baby for the first time on the ultrasound. What an experience that was...seeing what was to be our little girl! Here's some pictures:



We were so excited that someone really wanted to have us parent their child. But this time I made sure that we remembered that she could change her mind at any time. I wasn't going to let us get too involved or wrapped up into everything and get hurt like last time. This time was different, though, as the background situation of her life led us to believe that she was stable in her decision to place her child for adoption.

About 2 weeks ago, Jason and I finally let go of the "she could change her mind at any time" wall of safety, and really started to believe this was real. We picked out a name (after many weeks of debate). We visited a daycare, and got that set up. We called insurance companies to find out what we needed to do. We scheduled baby care classes & infant CPR classes at the local hospital so we would know what to do. We let our work know about this and scheduled time to take off. We even went shopping and bought the essential necessities to get us off the ground running. See...here are some pictures:



Well, today, we receive a call from our adoption agency that the birthmother had changed her mind and decided to parent the child herself. Despite all of her hardships, her troubled background, her financial issues, her dedication to making this adoption work......she changed her mind.

And there is nothing Jason and I can do about it!

I'm all about making sure a child is with their biological parents.....but I want to be selfish here for a minute and say what about us? What about all of the emotional turmoil we are going through. What about all of the financial commitments we have made to ensure this baby was well supported? What about all of the education, classes, and opening our lives up to everyone in the world? What about how we feel?

I'll tell you how we feel....POWERLESS. We have no control over anything in this process, and it sucks and I'm pissed!

There will always be this risk no matter who we work with for an open adoption. Always. Let me repeat that...Always.

What this means is that we have to weigh the risk against the potential outcome. If this is always a risk, and now TWICE this has happened to us, do we think it is really worth the effort anymore?

At this point (and since this just happened today), I can't answer that for sure. I feel like I've been hung out to dry, yet again, and I don't know if I have the strength to go through this anymore. I'm still in shock and denial that this is really happening AGAIN, so we shall see.

The only bright side (if there can be one) is that she let us know now, and not while we were at the hospital during the birth. Or worse...if she had waited until we came home with the baby and then she changed her mind.

So, alas, here we are again. Right back to square one with nothing to show for our 14 month effort except for broken hearts, shattered dreams, and less money in the bank (did I not mention that adoption is not cheap and each time we pursue anything it costs money?).

Whoever said becoming a dad would be easy?



Anthony~




You can learn more about us and our adoption profile at www.anthonyandjasonadopt.com

....a long road......

I have debated quite a bit before posting this...........I have wanted to post about it for a long while, but I have not been able to write about it until now........

Well, hello strangers!

Tonight, it is Jason and I realize it has been forever since I have written! I wanted to catch everyone up to speed so to say.

First, there have been many things going on in our lives since we last wrote. We met a wonderful young lady who had chosen us as adoptive dads. This situation, which obviously was the first solid connection we had made, ended in tragedy after a miscarriage. This hurt all involved and was a setback emotionally, but made us press on for the ultimate goal. This was painful as we had made a real connection with her and she said that we were the ones she wanted to raise “our child”. We were so ecstatic and then heartbroken that we did not think we could move on.

But we did….

This brings us to a bit over a month ago. Around July 10^th, we were placed into contact with an expectant mother. She was due the week of July 16^th – yes, less than a week!. Well, we chatted with the family (well, really it was Anthony as I was in clinicals most days and working nearly every evening). On Saturday, July 14^th, she contacted us and was in labor.

Away to Virginia Beach we went (we being Anthony, Debbie (his mom), Rosa (his sister) and myself). After meeting with her around midnight and realizing the little one was not arriving soon, we headed to a hotel. After the long fiasco of locating a hotel, we rested for a bit until we heard she was progressing and then headed back to the hospital that morning. The little one was not waiting for a traditional delivery and so the doctor told he birthmother he wanted to do a C-Section. Emotions ran high, but then the birthmother headed to the Delivery Room (along with her mother).

 

 

At 12:18 on July 15^th, Alyssa Marie was born (this was the name Anthony and I had chosen). She was perfect, weighing in at 6 lb. 12 oz. and a healthy 19.7 inches in length. She was beautiful and I was given the blessed opportunity (by Anthony) to be in the nursery for the first few hours of her life. I fed her the first bottle she received. I was also the first person to hold her. I aided in her first bath and felt the greatest feelings when she grasped my finger for the first time. There were so many firsts in the nursery that I know words will never describe. I can honestly say that these moments were the best in my life thus far. I would not trade them for anything and I know I never will.

Anthony, his mother, sister and I were lucky enough to spend the afternoon and evening with her in the family room at the hospital. Anthony and I spent the first night with Alyssa alone there as well. It was amazing to watch Anthony change her diaper for the first time and feed her his very first time ever- he fell right into the role without thinking. The next morning, Alyssa’s mother wanted to spend some time with her and feed her. We took a break and went to breakfast. We then returned to our room and the nurse brought Alyssa back.

After lunch, Anthony learned that the mother and father had decided to parent Alyssa. I was beyond heartbroken. The nurse side of me knew it was the situation that was meant to be and it was beyond my control. The human and vulnerable side of me was heartbroken. I honestly can say that the next few days are a blur of sleep and sadness.

I know a few things for sure about the week this occurred. First, this young soul was brought into our lives for a reason- be it to solidify our drive to become dads or be it to just allow this little girl (who the parents have renamed) to be appreciated by her parents and know the amount of love I now pray she is receiving. Second, this was the most influential and amazing experience of my life so far. I KNOW that I will experience it once again with our child, but this was a special time.

Finally, this situation has solidified the relationship between Anthony and I. It has solidified our desire to become dads. It has shown us we can work through pain and heartache toward a goal that we KNOW we will reach. Most of all, it has shown me once again that Anthony is the strongest person I know. When I was literally breaking down from this loss, he took me and lifted me up. He made me realize why I was feeling this – because we are meant to be dads. Our family and our friends are what helped us through.

So, although it has taken over a month, we are moving on. I have been quite down at times and I know that had it not been for our family and friends, I would not have made it to this point. I was ready to give up on the journey, but after much thought, discussion and prayer, I know that this is the right path.

Here we are now, August 26, 2012. We are struggling to move on as some days are harder than others. Then there are the days where we can move forward and realize that these situations make us stronger and that we will overcome them. It also makes me realize how important family is. Not just in a journey, but in general life. We have obviously leaned on the support of our families through this. We have also realized that the support of family will be needed once there is a child in the home.
 

I can never provide an adequate THANK YOU to my love and partner in life, Anthony, who has literally carried me through the emotional hell. I love you and thank you from the very depths of my soul.
 

Finally, I want to say a personal thank you to each of you who have supported us. Through phone calls, email, IN PERSON, on Facebook and just through prayers. These have ALL made a difference and we thank you for it.

Goodnight,
Jason

Kid Tested, Home Study Approved…..

We are now one step closer to meeting our baby.

We wanted to formally announce to all of our friends, family, and anyone else reading our blog that we are legally approved for adoption. This means we have gone through a home study evaluation process that looked into all aspects of our current living situation to ensure we can provide all of the essential needs for a child. The result: we passed with flying colors and have been approved as acceptable parents.  ;-)

Now the fun part of our journey begins where we try and meet potential birth parents that select us to parent their baby. The exact way this happens is different for every situation. Some meet through word-of-mouth. Some meet through adoption agencies. Some meet through viewing profiles of adoptive families. The point is that we don’t know exactly how or when it’s going to happen, but we know in our hearts it will.

WHAT DO WE NEED FROM YOU?

Please visit our profile website at www.anthonyandjasonadopt.com, and share this link with everyone you know. You just may tell someone out there who becomes that word-of-mouth contact we need to help complete our family.

HOW CAN YOU SHARE THIS INFORMATION?

Talk to your friends, your family, co-workers, neighbors, or anyone you can think of. Email them the link to our profile and ask that they take a few minutes to pass it along. Let your Facebook Friends know about our journey, and share the link there as well.

Thank you all for your love and support thus far. With your help, we know we will be successful.

 ~ Anthony & Jason ~

Class Dismissed!

           Well, it is done! I realize that I have been a bit absent and I apologize (This is Jason, the one who never blogs), but I am going to throw a little post out there to share the latest news. Today, we attended a class at our agency which is completing our home study. This was the final step in our home study and we should be receiving the final signed copy very soon!

It was a great class and we walked away with a lot of information but also realizing that we have learned quite a bit over the time we have spent thus far on our journey. There were 7 couples attending the class and although we were all in various stages of our home study, it was interesting to hear the questions from those who were just starting out. It appeared we were the ones closest to completing the home study.  Most were either beginning or about half way through their studies. The questions were the same we had a few months back. I am so happy that we have been so eager and learned as much as we could throughout this process.

I was really amazed after looking back a few moments ago on my calendar and locating the point where we met our adoption attorney for the first time on September 16^th, 2011 and the fact that is now January 14^th, 2012- less than four months later. I am almost overwhelmed with how it seems so far back and yet it was such a short time ago.

I realize I don’t blog as often as Anthony, but wanted to take this opportunity to thank each of you who call, post, text, read blogs, pray or just think of us during this journey. We are going through so many ranges of emotion from excitement to being freaked out at times to how real it has become. I think that I once again realized how real it was today when Anthony said we should move one of the chairs in the living room to the office to make room for the “stuff” as he put it. I of course was thinking of the pack-n-play from what he was describing, but we will just call it the “stuff” for now J

Either way, off to bed we go after a very productive and positive day. I just felt like I should once again say “THANK YOU” to all those who support, love and are there for us on this experience. We are ready for it to move to the next phase and look forward to that moment when we can blog about our meeting our child for the first time. Till then, thank you and happy thoughts!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

Jason and I just got back from a week long visit with his family in Georgia. We had a great time and got to see most everyone. It's bittersweet, though, as it's nice to be back home yet we miss everyone already. If only we could somehow cut that 9 hour drive in half, it would be so much easier on us all.

I don't have any updates to share, other than we should be getting our home study report (draft copy) next week to look over, then we take an adoption class on January 14th - and we should be approved to adopt. Exciting times!!

As for New Year's Eve...since we just got back from a tiring drive all day we are going to stay home this year. It's kind of weird as we are usually doing something with others on a night like tonight; but this year it's nice as I'm with the one I love (and my dog Dante of course), and this just might be the very last New Year's Eve we have as a couple together without a child. I hope this is true. :-)

~Anthony

I'm coming home...

Hey there, blogging world. Surprise, I'm already posting another entry. This one will be really quick, but I wanted to update everyone on some good news. Things in life are falling into place for me and I just don't know any other way to describe it.

I've been working for the Federal Government for 8 years now, the last 4 of which I have been on the road traveling back and forth to D.C. on a weekly basis. I usually stay 3 nights per week, and then come home on Thursdays. I usually do this about 30 - 33 weeks per year.

Since Jason and I are trying to start a family, I was concerned that Jason would essentially be a single parent while I was out on the road. I knew that would not only be hard on him, but also on me being away from my child. Good news, though: Effective January 1st, I will be starting a new job (still with the Federal Government, but with a different agency) that will not require me to have to travel like I have been.

This is such great news, especially since I can now be home when our baby arrives and I won't have to leave my family for such extended periods of time. How great is that!

Things in life are falling into place, almost as if it were meant to be that I got this job so I could be here for my family. I truly believe that Jason and I are on the right path to becoming dads; it's just a matter of time.

Anthony~

Updates and More.....

Hello blogging world. It's been way too long since I last posted (over one month), so I've got a lot of catching up to do. I never realized how hard it is to keep up with blogging, especially as you go on living your life. I can't promise I'll do any better, but I will from time to time update you all as often as possible.

When I last blogged, we were about to have our second visit with the social workers. This was the visit where they come to our house and talk to us and make sure our home is suitable for raising a child. Believe it or not, I really wasn't nervous about this at all. There is something great about our agency and our social workers where Jason and I feel totally at ease with them. It's like talking to a friend; albeit a friend that has the power to alter the direction of your future....but let's not look at it like that. So, all went well with this visit. We had a great chat, talking about lots of social issues with adoption and how it will be to raise a child that has two dads. They took a tour of our house, and that was easier than I thought it would be too. There was no "white glove" inspection. It was simply a tour to show the amenities of our home and where we were planning to have the child's room. That was kind of neat as we got to tell them where the crib would be and how we would rearrange things to fit the needs of our baby. At the end of this visit we closed out the rest of our paperwork, and then it was time to wait for our Child Protective Services Registry & Fingerprint/Criminal History Background search. And believe me, wait we did....

It just so happened that same day we were headed up to Bethesda, MD, for the Adoption Conference held by Families for Private Adoption (FPA). The conference was actually the next day, but we decided to go the night before and enjoy the evening so we were well rested for the conference. We had a great time in Bethesda. I surprised Jason and took him to the Le Creuset store (1 of only 6 in the entire country that just so happened to be in Bethesda) and bought him some more cookware for his collection. We ate a fabulous dinner and celebrated our progress with a great bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Here's a picture of Jason with his new cookware (and apron).

The conference was great. There were probably about 70 other couples and some single people there, and it was comforting knowing we were all going through the same thing. There were lawyers, social workers, adoptive parents, and even a birthmother there all giving their unique perspectives about adoption. Overall, we were glad we went and marked this down as another great experience in the adoption process. Here's a picture of us at the conference. Can you spot where we are?

Now, all of this took place on November 18th. Remember how I said we waited a long time for the Child Protective Services and Fingerprint/Criminal History Background search? Well, those did not come back until December 14th! Normally, they only take about 10 days on average, but for some reason these were being held up and taking longer than normal. At first I started to worry as I thought there was something wrong; but, our social workers let us know that we were not the only ones that were waiting longer than normal. It was taking several of their clients longer than normal, so they attributed it to the Holidays or staff levels this time of year. Jason and I really wanted to get these back as we could not have our 3rd and final meeting until such time. We looked at our schedules for the remaining of the year, and the last day we could possibly meet would be on...you guessed it...December 15th. At 9:30 pm December 14th, I received an email from the social workers telling me the forms just came into their office, and that they could meet with us on the 15th. Talk about cutting it close!

I'm happy to say that we met with them on the 15th and held our last meeting. This meeting was a discussion about potential issues with children, both psychological and physical, to include Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Sensory Deprivation among others. We also discussed how we could best meet the needs of a child; that is, trying to match our capabilities with a child's needs. It's weird to say that, as it sounds like we are "putting an order in" for a child. But it wasn't like that at all. Remember, we are all looking for what is best for the child. So, understanding upfront what our capabilities are will help the agency make the best match. We left that meeting, again, feeling totally at ease and comfortable with the process. The next step is to actually receive the draft Homestudy Report. This will be the social worker's write-up of our situation, and it is provided to us first so that we can review and make comments/corrections if need be. We are expecting this draft report in the beginning of January, so we can enjoy the Holidays now and not worry about when we are going to get it. The final piece of this homestudy are the classes we have to take, which are scheduled for mid January. This is an all day class that delves further into adoption and other topics.

One last thing. We are starting to work on our networking capabilities; that is, we want all of YOU to help us get the word out. Let everyone and anyone you know (and even strangers) that there is a loving couple who are trying to adopt. Our agency says that word of mouth is the best form of advertising, as you never know what could happen. You may know someone....who knows someone....who has a cousin that knows someone....who is looking for a good home for her baby. See how that works? So, please. help us get the word out. Additionally, we are working on a Profile Website which should be up and running by the end of January, so we'll give you the details about that once it is established.

If you are still reading this post (and haven't given up due to the length), I wanted to say Thank You for sticking with it. I know it's a lot of information, but that's what happens when I don't post for a full month. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we draw closer to meeting the little one that is out there. He/She is slowly making their way to us....one baby step at a time.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

~Anthony

Where does time go?

Good morning blogging world. It's been 2 weeks since I last posted (I know, shame on me), and a lot has happened in that short span of time.

Last time I posted we had just applied with our adoption agency and were getting ready for our first visit. In the meantime, we had received our mountain of paperwork and the plan was to discuss all of this with them when we met.

Needless to say, we were a little overwhelmed about everything but not nervous. Actually, excited is a better word. Our social workers are great. Notice I said social workers. We actually have 2 that are working with us. The person that is handling our case is actually a graduate student at VCU, and she is performing her internship with our agency. She likes to say that we get 2 social workers for the price of 1, and it kind of is true as her mentor picks up anything that the intern doesn't know. Anyways, we couldn't be happier with them as far as organization, timeliness, and comfortableness.

Our first meeting went well. We went through all of the paperwork and received answers to most of our questions. A lot of our issues have to deal with how we fill out the paperwork, as most of you know that Virginia does not allow us to adopt together. So, officially I am the one that is legally adopting; that is, one day there will be a little Leone running around this house. That's just on paper, though, as our child will be raised with the best qualities from the Leone AND Harris families. The name is just a formality, but Jason wanted the child to be a Leone since his family already has so many Harris children and my family does not. How sweet of someone to want to pass on the chance of extending their last name for the sake of their partner's heritage? I can't say enough how thankful I am for Jason. He is the most compassionate and caring person I know. So, although I am technically adopting, our agency realizes that we are a couple - a married couple in all ways (although not legally) - so they want to know everything about both of us. How cool is that!

Once we finished our first meeting, our next task was to write an autobiography/life story about ourselves. Seems pretty easy, right? Well, I wouldn't say it is difficult; rather, just time consuming. Think back throughout your own childhood - how were you raised; what were your parents like; describe fond memories; how were you disciplined; what would you do differently; describe life struggles; describe strengths and weaknesses; how would you raise a child; and any other personal, philosophical or social questions you can think of. Luckily, they gave us an outline to follow. So, 22 pages letter, my life story was complete. I think it's a great exercise for anyone to try. Put your life down on paper, and really reflect on it. It's a game changer.

Our social worker stressed not to put off or wait on completing this life story, as it is necessary before we can schedule our 2nd visit. So, when we left their office on Friday, Jason and I knew the task at hand and by Tuesday of the following week we had completed our autobiographies. Yes, that is not a typo - 4 days later. Needless to say, our social worker was impressed and surprised that we had accomplished this in such a short period of time. But, the way I see it is that this home study period is the only thing I have any kind of control over in this adoption process. If I took 3 weeks to write my story, that would be 3 weeks later before I could say I was approved to adopt. What if there was a birthmother out there and she was looking for a couple like Jason and I but couldn't work with us because we were not approved? Just the thought of that; that because I delayed my home study I lost out on a chance to be a father really gets to me so that is why we made it a priority to finish so quickly. Besides, after the home study is complete, it's just a wait and see period beyond our control.

We now have our second visit this coming Friday, and they are actually visiting our home this time. I wouldn't say I'm nervous either. Again, I feel really comfortable with our social workers and am excited that we are moving so quickly. I just hope it continues down this path.

Where does time go? I can't quite say. It's hard to believe we are getting ready for our 2nd visit. After this, it's only one more visit and then we should be approved to adopt. At first, it seemed like an insurmountable task. Now, step by step, I can see our pathway forward.

I'm going to leave you with a quote I came across that I think best epitomizes my journey to fatherhood:

 

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
- Christopher Reeve

~Anthony

It's only been six weeks....

It's only been six weeks since we officially started our adoption journey. Six short weeks. Yet, I sit here and am in awe of what we have accomplished during this short period of time.

1. We met with a lawyer to discuss our legal options.
2. Developed a blog and Facebook Page.
3. Decided that adoption was the path we would choose.
4. Joined Families for Private Adoption (FPA is an advocacy group for private adoption)
5. Made contacts within FPA and got some great feedback from current members.
6. Researched adoption topics via the Internet, books/articles, & talking to other adoptive parents
7. Visited several Adoption Agencies and attended orientations sessions
8. Applied with an Adoption Agency to perform our home study
9. Scheduled our first home study visit
10. Made reservations to attend an Adoption Workshop presented by FPA

What will the next six weeks bring? I'm excited to find out, and can't wait to see the progress we will make. 

~Anthony

And so it begins...

Good morning everyone. Sorry we've been a little quiet this past week on the blog. We had family staying with us from out-of-town, and between work and everyday life demands, I just haven't had time to write a post.
As I sit here and decide what I want to write about, the title of this post seems most appropriate - although I really can't define what "it" means. What exactly is beginning? Yesterday, we submitted our application to begin the home study process. This is the 2 - 4 month process of having a social worker ensure our home is a stable environment for a child, taking some educational classes to prepare us for adoption, and getting "approval" to adopt. Submitting the application was the easy part. Next we get a case worker assigned to us, and then the real fun begins with a large packet of paperwork.

So, I guess it is official - we are trying to adopt. It felt weird in a way as we drove down to the agency to speak with them one last time before signing my life away....Just Kidding!! It was exciting and awesome. There we were getting ready to take an action that would profoundly affect the rest of our lives. When you start thinking about it like that, this is what life is all about. The everyday choices you make steer the course and direction that life will take you. This decision to start the adoption process may one day lead to my sitting on the front porch with my own grandchildren. Is it really possible? I can't say definitely, but this decision puts us one step closer to that reality.

And so it begins...

~Anthony

H-O-P-E

This is such a small and simple word; yet, it is one of the most powerful in the dictionary.

With HOPE, I believe adoption can happen.
With HOPE, I trust that a birthmother will one day choose us.
With HOPE, I am sure we will be great parents.
With HOPE, I know the light will shine through my darkest days.
With HOPE, We will persevere.

Got HOPE?

~Anthony

Leap of Faith

Good morning everyone. It's been several days since I last posted, so I thought it was time to put my thoughts out there again - as I know you've been counting the days since my last post :-)

Over the past 3 weeks Jason and I have learned a lot about what it takes to have a child for a couple in our situation. We started out just knowing that we wanted to have a child. So, the next obvious thing was to make the baby - oops....nature doesn't work that way for us. Consider the children you have had in your life and how relatively simple it was to create them. Our hearts break every time we here a story of how someone "accidentally" got pregnant. If only it could be that easy.

Actually, our next step was a visit with an attorney - someone that specializes in adoption and assisted reproductive technology (ART) law. This visit, to say the least, was overwhelming as we had a lot of information presented to us in only an hour and a half. I walked away from this meeting angry, confused, and overwhelmed. I think the anger came from the fact that I was having a pity party, asking "Why do I have to go through this just to have a child". Luckily, today, I am no longer in that mode of thinking.

The next thing we had to figure out was what we wanted to do - adoption or gestational surrogacy (GS). Note: we only considered GS as this is a type of surrogacy where the woman carrying the child does not use her eggs - so, there is no biological relationship to the child - and the law gets too tricky when you use traditional surrogacy (TS) where you actually use the carrier's eggs.

There are pros and cons to both, running the full gamut of considerations from emotional to financial:

• How can we ask someone to carry a baby for us and then expect her to give it up even though it is not biologically hers?
• What kind of impacts will there be on her family?
• Where are we going to find the estimated $60,000 - $80,000 to make surrogacy happen?
• Will our state allow us to adopt?
• If we adopt, will our baby feel normal (as normal can be - whatever that is)?
• Where are we going to find the estimated $25,000 to make adoption happen?

I could go on and on. Just know that we seriously considered both options, and there was a lot more discussion involved. After several weeks we narrowed down our choice to Domestic Adoption, which means we are looking to adopt a baby within the United States.

The next decision we have to make is if we want to use an agency to help us with the adoption search or if we want to try a private adoption and not involve an agency. I think we are leaning toward trying the private adoption first, for a limited timeframe, and then adding the services of an agency if we are unsuccessful on our own.

So, where does that leave us today? We have to pick an agency to do our homestudy (which is a process of a social worker deeming us (or one of us since we can't adopt together in the discriminating state of Virginia) acceptable candidates for adoption. Then, once approved, we (or one of us) can legally adopt and start "advertising" ourselves.

Sounds easy, right? Well, this is where we are having trouble. We want to make all of the right decisions upfront, so we don't have any mistakes along the way. This isn't so much about being perfect; rather, it's about time and money. We don't want to waste either, which is why we are being so meticulous during this initial phase.

At some point, though, we just have to take that leap of faith and make a decision. I only hope once we leap, we land on solid ground.

~Anthony

Real life and the internet…..

            Well, we completed another step today. (This is Jason by the way!) We met with a social worker at an adoption agency today regarding our home study. It was quite unplanned which might have been a good thing. After speaking with her regarding setting up an appointment in two weeks, we all decided we could meet today and the next thing you know, we were headed downtown. It was a very wonderful experience. They are a non-profit, so there was no pressure at all. She answered our questions and went way above and beyond the 30 minute consultation they regularly provide (she spent about 90 minutes with us!). This was great, but I think the fact that she listened to our questions and provided the answers we needed made it even more productive.

Moral of the story for today: sometimes the things you read on the internet are wrong. I know, many of you don’t believe me regarding that statement, but after speaking with her we do feel the home study can be accomplished! Plus, it can be completed without us wanting to pull our hair out or just give up on this all together. I think the home study will not be as daunting as it appeared at first. It also helps we are not being forced to rush through it. I just am glad to say that my fears of the home study I spoke about in the previous post are much better now. It will be a lot of work and require a large amount of time, but I guess I should remember something a couple of you have reminded me of: Nothing worth anything comes easily.  

Then as we finished our meeting, she mentioned that it is really unfair how social workers/adoption agencies are made to be the evil ones on the television shows. Anthony spoke up to agree, reminding me as to how I analyze the fact the medical terms, equipment and actions are so far off as well. So, we have another moral for the day: Don’t trust what you see on TV. I guess most of these morals and statements are pretty common sense, but it is great to see them in real life.

 So, yes, it is a positive day. We are moving along toward the eventual goal, so each step is one step closer. Today has been very productive and I am sure there are many more to come. J

Decisions, Decisions.....

            Those who know Anthony and I realize we are very big planners. That is an understatement, actually. So, being that we are now in the process of adopting a child, one would think that we could simply work down the checklist of things to do and just complete each step. Well, if only it were that simple.

First, we must decide how to go about this adoption. Will we utilize an agency or will we do it privately? The agency would be more expensive but would handle pretty much everything and aid us in locating a birth mother. Privately, we would have to do all of the “leg-work”. That sounds like it might be more fun I know (insert sarcasm here) but it will take a lot of effort. I am not saying we do not want to put forth the effort, but something as simple as posting our profile on an adoption site is not even simple for us. The largest one out there does not allow gay couples to “advertise” themselves and therefore a birth mother would not find us there. This would limit our potential contacts. (Aside from the fact that it is just not right, but that is another post)

I guess I am just becoming flustered and we cannot decide on which agency we might use to get started. If we have a home study completed by one agency and then decide to use another, will they accept the home study or will we have to go through this again? How do you choose something that could decide whether or not you may or may not ever be connected with that person who will choose us? I know I have to just have faith that it will happen as it is meant to, but sometimes I guess it is easier to say that than actually believe it.

Once we decide if we will use an agency or not, we will then have to begin the process of the home study. That sounds like a huge barrel of fun (yes, I’ll take another order of sarcasm) and could take a while. I don’t fear the study, as we easily could provide a loving, safe and comfortable home for any child. What I do fear is that I know it will be stressful to do all of the items required for the home study. If you get bored, Google what is included in an adoption home study. It will provide for some great reading.

Well, I will end the post on a very positive note. Anthony has been doing a great deal of work today with the process and he made me feel much better just by being in a good mood and having a good outlook on the entire thing. That my friends is why the relationship works. We can bring the other one back up whenever we start to doubt. I guess that is what it’s all about!

Déjà Vu

Good morning blogging world. Do you ever get the feeling that you've done something before; a feeling so strong that tells you you've experienced the same phenomenon at some point in the past yet you know you've never been in that situation? Well, this is called Déjà vu, and let me tell you that I am definitely experiencing it this morning - albeit with a slight modification.

You see, once again I am up at 2:00 am on a Monday. It was just last week that I was up at the same time with all of this baby information on my mind. We had just gone public with our announcement, and had a lot of excitement, questions, concerns, and fear about the future. Fast forward to today, one week later, and I find myself in the same exact position. All of the same emotions and feelings are still there, as well as the lack of sleep.

So, although this is not truly déjà vu, I have a feeling I'll be seeing a lot of days like these in my future. I know we are still early on in the process and there will be many peaks and valleys to come. I just hope it all works out in the end for us.

Good morning blogging world. Do you ever get that feeling that you've done something before.....ok; this last sentence was a joke to give you a feeling of déjà vu. I apologize in advance for my nerdiness.
~A

Through the eyes of a child

Good morning & happy Saturday. It's another wet morning here in Richmond, VA, and I swear it's been raining for 2 weeks straight. Today is the first day of October, and you can feel fall is just around the corner. I love this time of year - cool and crisp mornings followed by perfect afternoon temperatures with no humidity. I can remember being a kid and getting excited about picking pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, and jumping in piles of leaves at my friend's house down the street. Oh to be a kid again. 

I think what I miss most about being a child, though, is the innocence, happiness, and lack of fear that every child is born with.

I cannot wait to see the world through my child's eyes: the look on their face when they believe the world is a wonderful place where no one is out to do harm; the look on their face when something so simple brings out a wonderful smile; the look on their face when they believe they are invincible and can conquer the world.

Of course, these qualities tend to disappear as we age. I'm not exactly sure when it happens, but for most of us it does. The sad thing is that the world would be a much better place if we all tried to look at it through the eyes of a child: a world where everyone tries to help one another; a world where sorrow and despair have no home; a world where prejudice, bullying, and hate have no existence.

So, on this first unofficial day of fall, I ask that you take a few minutes and try to see life through the eyes of a child. It just might bring a smile to your face and bring back the hope that is so desperately needed today. I'm ready....are you?

~A

Whoever said creating a blog was easy?

Hi there everyone. I wanted to drop a quick note to let you all know that we found out some people were having issues posting comments on the blog. This wasn't affecting everyone, so we were a little confused as to what was going on.

Well, today it dawned on me that when we first created the blog, we went behind the scenes and messed with the code (that's computer programming techy stuff that I won't get into here) and we think that's what the issue was. Now, being a computer programmer myself.....just kidding - I'm nothing of the sort. To make a long story short (too late), I went back into the code and undid the changes that I made the other day.

Moral of the story - I shouldn't be playing around with things I don't quite understand.
So, if you tried to leave a comment and couldn't - please try again. I hope I fixed the issue, and really look forward to comments as it lets me know I am not the only one reading my blog.

~A

It's About Time....

It’s about time that you all hear from the one who is always so talkative on Facebook (yep, it’s Jason). I have decided to make my first solo post on the blog. I have so many emotions going through my head at the moment. Hopefully the ramblings will not be too confusing. I am positive my posts will not be as humorous and concise as Anthony’s, but I will do my best.

First, I am simply overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from our family and friends. Actually, I should say that I am NOT surprised. We surround ourselves daily with loving, caring and supportive people, so why would I be surprised everyone thus far would step up and share in our joy? I want to thank each person individually who has shared their thoughts and prayers with us. Of course, this cannot happen due to the lack of time and space. That being said, I want to simply express our gratitude to all of you.

Second, I want to apologize to my brother(s). We decided to share our wonderful news the same week that I was informed of an impending arrival for Josh & Jordan. As a matter of fact, it was the same day. I must admit that I feel a bit guilty as I hope our announcement in no way overshadowed their WONDERFUL news. I am so happy that another one of my brothers is expecting a miracle! We only announced it on the same day as we could not hold this in any longer. We have been discussing this for a while and after setting the whole thing in motion, we could not help but tell our parents, which then led to the rest of the family and of course, our friends. It just so happened it was the same day my brother Josh called and told me I would become an uncle once again. I am so thankful for this news!

Finally, I want to share the profound amount of emotion I am experiencing right now. I have been experiencing a heightened awareness that everything we see on television and in movies right now involves children. From our favorite TV shows to the movies we have watched lately; they seem to focus on children, pregnancy and adoption. I guess it should be expected we would be more aware of these topics.

I will close with the comments I have made about my not sleeping and the dreams I have been having. I mentioned on Facebook that I have dreams about us raising a little girl and not being sure about how two men could raise this girl. I must admit that I have felt so strong in my abilities as a parent until the opportunity presented itself. I have been the oldest (well, at least of my Dad’s group, lol) and I have helped my parents raise my siblings by changing diapers, feeding and tending to the needs of all involved. I figured these skills would be enough but I am beginning to doubt myself. Anthony says he knows nothing of raising a child. I disagree. He knows what love is. He knows how to love unconditionally. He knows what it means to be responsible for yourself as well as another. Isn’t that what being a parent is all about? That and of course being able to survive without sleep, to handle stress beyond belief and of course, to overcome the obstacles placed in our way on a daily basis? If that is all there is to it, then we should be fine.

If not, then we shall work through it; TOGETHER. Together with the support of each other as well as our family and our friends. I again thank you for the support and the excitement you are all sharing with us.

That is all I have for the first post. I know it will be a long and strenuous process. In the end, however, I realize it will result in our ultimate goal of becoming a family. 

Don't cry over spilled milk

So, after my night of no sleep on Sunday, I tried to get a good night's sleep last night. I slept pretty well, and woke up ready to start the day anew. My morning routine works pretty much like clockwork, with just enough time to get to work and punch in at 6:00 am (yes, that's right, I said 6:00 am). As I'm making my breakfast, which consists of a bowl of cereal and juice, I had a slight accident. I was shaking the orange juice container and getting ready to pour when the container slipped out of my hands, landed into my cereal bowl (already filled with milk), which then knocked everything off of the counter and onto the floor. Of course, the bowl of juicy cereal had to make a pit stop and land on my clothes - covering me in a nice delectable raisin bran/milk/orange juice concoction of stickiness. Yum!

On any other day, this would just be a really bad start to the day. But this morning, I looked at it differently. I realized that having a child will mean more messes....more spills....more of everything that I tend to get crazy about. So, the moral of the story is that life is too short to cry over spilled milk. I wish I had a baby spilling milk on me.

~A